What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 08:49
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We all went to grammer schools
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What does it mean when you dream that your mother died?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
How do people develop stage 4 cancer without noticing until it’s too late?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
How old is planet Earth? Is it 4.5 billion years old or 6,000 years old?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot live in the past .
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why are American university students fine with sharing a room?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So, i spoilt her more .
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Have you ever had sex with your mother-in-law? If so, how was it and did your wife ever find out?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I don,t even have a pension.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She wouldn,t have been !
But, we were locked up after school.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it wasn’t much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
My family never makes their pension either.
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She loved him until the end.
She was in good health!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I have no regrets .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Especially a lifetime of it.
She married twice! .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So whats the point in blame.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He resisted the act ,that day.
All the time i was locked up.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why did i forgive my father ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I waited trembling.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I will be 64.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Put me off passion for life!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!